waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
You Might Also Like
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes