Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
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I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
just got my engagement photos
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Nothing.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them