How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
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Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone