Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
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dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.