If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
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Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I don’t think my car can fly
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.