[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
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I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.