At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
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I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.