Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
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Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Good boy 😂😂
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!