Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
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I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite