girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
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In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort