‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
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my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
A man of commitment.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do