Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
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If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”