Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes