*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
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cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*