Found a free bandaid at the pool.
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*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]