I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
You Might Also Like
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I hope this email finds you in a well
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.