I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
You Might Also Like
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Trumpy Cat
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.