I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
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I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl