The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
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*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do