If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
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I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED