I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
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TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
getting corrected
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?