The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
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[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Boom, boom, ching!
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence