Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
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Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
not seeing the problem
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?