For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
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*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Rich people don’t understand cereal
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself