Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
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[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!