The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
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Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Yep.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”