People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
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If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Cats (2019)
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers