This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
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[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.