Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
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“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
fly smarter, not harder
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.