All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
You Might Also Like
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off