Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
You Might Also Like
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*