Potatoes were such a good idea
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Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
me and my fake scenarios
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.