App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
You Might Also Like
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I have never related to anyone more.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
want me to check your oil?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.