This has made my week.
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Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.