Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
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Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
🔦🌙👣
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Ghost costume 😂
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
😂😂