Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
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I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Support your local cemetery
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually