My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
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Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER