Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
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*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.