Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
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Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“