Is this the real life?
Is this just
You Might Also Like
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die