I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 馃嚭馃嚫
You Might Also Like
Me: Ugh I鈥檝e gained so much weight
Him: It鈥檚 ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand鈥檚 enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I鈥檝e put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I鈥檓 gonna be sore tomorrow.
Employee: please stop
Me: I鈥檓 just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
My dog is LIVID with me because I鈥檝e just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave鈥his is cat day
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I鈥檓 looking out my window to see what they are doing.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won鈥檛 be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
McDonald鈥檚 has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don鈥檛 want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no