I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
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I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I need a headline like this
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
why would tinder want me to say this
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
So, can we agree on 4 or