Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
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Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
This is a sub tweet
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
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