*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
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*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
“Huge”.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.