Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
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Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
same energy
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.