When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
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You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.