We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
You Might Also Like
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys