If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
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“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.