[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
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Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.