Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Never ghost your hitman.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
girls literally only want one thing..